A Michael BUSH Toast To Friendship

1.0 First up, what manner of Facebook friend are you, yourself? You answer yours while I answer mine.
Not a good way to do it but I'd start off by telling you about the Facebook friend that I, Michael BUSH, am not.
I am not a monitoring-spirit friend. Never. I am not a selective friend, nor a critic/sadist, nor a snub, nor worst of all a hater. On Facebook, I am sure that I am a model friend: loving, supporting, and true. Backstage, I am more like some correcting fluid as well as a value- adding Life Engineer on commonsense, communication, counselling, culture, ethics, humanity, justice, language,
leadership, love, media, mentoring, nationalism, policy, strategy, talk and, please indulge me this last time, Arsenal.
Do step forward now or forever keep quiet; if as my Facebook friend, you haven't gained directly or indirectly from me in the aforementioned areas!

2.0 Next, what types of Facebook friends do I have? Boy, that's something you should HEAR IT FOR ME. Perhaps I should tee off my answer by fielding the
'footage' question: Are Facebook 'Friends' Really Friends? That's not an easy cake as you may think. In answering 'NO', I am not necessarily doing so for reason(s) you consider obvious. 'Facebook Friends' ARE NOT 'Really Friends', because even in life, in the family, in the church, name it; most friends are enemies or at best
frenemies.

3.0 From the foregoing, and concerning the question on classification, let me confess that I had since segmented
my 5,000 Friends into THREE MAIN CLASSES:
i) Class A1, BESTIES. Dependable virtually and physically. I trust that they have my back. No matter how long they may not keep in touch or how cacophonously we may disagree on some issues/approaches (eg., Rev. Osondu Ahirika who would wake up on a Saturday morning and post stuff and pictures of snakes when he knows how much I dread those creatures), I am just confident they are for me, 24/7;
because of what we share or their antecedents.

ii) Class P8 peopled by those who are not bad friends but can't also not be called good friends. Everyone has them.
They are just there, seemingly feeding their ego-cum complex of being my friends. They don't keep in touch.
They are just satisfied/excited to fill that space. I don't mind them really; although once in a while when the spirit of deleting comes upon me, I don't PASS OVER
them since I never see the mark on them!

4.0 Bringing up the rear of course is
iii) Class F9 comprising -you guess right- the monitoring spirits, the judges and the haters. I know you know them but let me tell you their general mannerisms. My Class F9 Friends on Facebook are fastidious, judgmental and hateful blackmailers who either watch to report back to their paymasters or inferiority-complex clique or once in a long, long while comment to betray their nimbus
cloud-like hearts or stir up bitterness. I love them because to me they are the enemies in front of whom, God promised in Psalm 23:5, to set up my TABLE OF
HONOUR. Without them, who would watch when my head is anointed with oil or when 'my cup runneth over'?

5.0 But seriously, HOW DO I KNOW WHICH FRIEND TO DELETE? Another very important question, because Mr. Zuckerberg and Company allow only 5,000 spaces, one cannot allow any waste or dormancy. Yet, deleting a Facebook Friend requires tact and caution as you could unknowingly delete an EMBROYONIC Bestie. Again, I confess that I had since set up an ad hoc framework. For instance, you would disappear from my list if you never
had any public or inbox exchange with me the day or week or month you DON'T respond to my birthday greeting on your wall or inbox. It tells me clearly you
don't exist. And, truth is, many of our Facebook Friends don't exist. They either have died or never lived from the day they faked the page! They fake so many, they forget some!

6.0 My other Facebook Friends who are easily up for eviction are perennial name-changers (you know them, right?), and address-liars (I understand that you changed your city of residence anticipatorily, from say Uyo to Los
Angeles, the eve of your planned trip. But, I can never understand why you never reverted to status quo after you set out to catch a flight from Abuja or Lagos but suddrnly turned back enroute Ikot Ekpene for one reason or the other). Then, the next set: rude friends as well as
those who post NONSENSE!

7.0 In all though, I make room for all sorts of characters. I fall over backwards, every day. I don't judge. I try to understand. I negotiate backstage before I delete, because I am aware that some people need me to grow or be better; the same way I need others to flourish. Also, note that I don't mind Friends whom I
don't know or never met. I am fine when you keep it real with me, even if you are fake. Facebook being the only social medium I use, I am planning to accentuate it next year for our mutual benefits. I cannot end sans celebrating MY 46 OVERALL BESTIES ON
FACEBOOK. Why 46? Please ask me again on 12th August. Many thanks, Class A-Oners: for your friendship, for your help and for your presence. I
guarantee you that I am working to raise your population to all of 5,000.

I love you, my Besties.

God bless Facebook! ...B